Tender and True Thoughts

Seven years ago, I wrote down everything I wanted my life to look like at 24. Now I have it and I’m more anxious than I expected.

First thing is I started my career after 6 long years completing both my under grad and a masters degree program, which I love, and I’m feeling very accomplished for where I’m at in life at such a young age.

As a Christian my identity is supposed to be found through my relationship with Jesus Christ, which is a constant push and pull I have, since almost 3 years ago my identity was solely put into my school and career goals.

I am new to my job and within a year and a half, I’ll have a lot more control over my schedule. But the year and a half of work I need to put it to be fully established in my career seems so far to me, considering how many years I put in to get my career started.

Second thing is I now have a boyfriend, which recently turned into a long distance relationship and is on the complete other side of the country, who I’ll be able to visit in variety of different states because of his job.

Since I was 17 my desire was exactly where I’m at which is this: Finishing school at a young age, starting my career, being in a relationship and having the option to travel.

You see the irony? 24 years old, new boyfriend who I can travel to many states to visit, starting my great career: everything I wanted for myself 7 years ago. Shouldn’t I be happy now about where I’m at?

You’d think I would be, but for some reason I’m feeling anxious trying to be established and feel grateful in this season while trying to prepare myself for a future season in life .

The next season being: a desire to be married, have children and start a family.

I don’t know why I have such a hard time being in the present moment.

I worked so hard to be where I’m at and I want to appreciate the moments I have now. I know God doesn’t expect me to have all of the answers figured out for the next 5 years of my life.

But my thoughts and anxiety the last week are countering the Biblical knowledge I have and saying “Am I on the right path or am I making the wrong choices?”

I think I know what the answer is:

Surrender my plans, trusting God, and releasing control

I’ve heard it countless times and I’ve said it to other people who are struggling with similar things.

But if I’m honest, surrender feels a lot harder to live out and definitely not easy going when you’re the one trying to live it.

It feels like not knowing what the next two years holds and wanting reassurance no human can actually give me.

I know God is good and that He has great plans for my life.

I just don’t know how to make my heart and anxiety calm down long enough to feel that feeling.

Maybe surrender isn’t supposed to be this release and acknowledgement that what I haven’t in my life isn’t fully mine, while expecting immediate clarity.

Maybe it’s crying my eyes out, admitting I’m having a hard time and still choosing not to control.

I don’t feel fully surrendered yet, is that failure or is that what having Faith is all about?

I keep thinking about my favorite verse is Proverbs 3:5-6 which states “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight.”

I’ve had that verse memorized but what does it mean to trust with all of your heart when parts of me still feel afraid?